Why can't I just be normal? || Wrestling Part II

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." -Acts 20:24

Its happening again.

That familiar tug on my heart that God has something big in store. Although this time my heart is struggling to submit to his plan.

"This world wants it easy... I just want it possible with you.. Im trusting you" (Trusting You - Original Song)

Slowly over the past 6 years God has been cultivating a more mature relationship with me, building a sense that something grander is in the horizon, an ear more in-tune to his will. And willingly I have been trying my best to follow and prepare for it.

He has slowly broken me piece by piece to heal more in line to his purpose for my life.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps" - Proverbs 16:9

Through this season I have felt God fight for my spirit as attacks from the enemy have taken advantage of my weaknesses.

I have continued to seek him.

But now I am afraid. I am afraid of whats next because I feel that God is asking me to give him the deepest desires of my heart with no promise of filling them in the way that I see fit. God is asking for more trust, more obedience, and more faith. I can't fathom what the future holds for me now as my plans have slowly been pushed behind closed doors.

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world." 1 John 2:15-16

For the first time in my life I am asking God why me? Why this season? What is the point? What is next? Will my life look "normal"? What more could you want from me? Why must you want more from me?

In my own questions as my hands are tightly wound around my own plans and dreams my heart is being revealed to me. I see my friends who seem to be getting what they want... what I want. Are they wrestling like me? Are they feeling the Lords presence like me? Surely I can't be the only one. Sure its normal at 20 to be feeling this from God. I mean.. right? God I'm only 20... I am young. Im supposed to do stupid things.. go on bad dates... make college memories. Surely my life can't be on that tight of a leash. Surely this plan can't be THAT great. I am reading to much into this. I see friends who's ministry is taking the shape I so desired 2,3,4... even 5 years ago.. and God is telling me "No, my child.. my plan is different for you." But God how can it be different? How can it be better. I prayed. YOU grew this desire in me. What do I do with it now? Okay if this is the plan now why did XYZ happen? Surely that better equipped me for such and such ministry. I am selfish. I am conditional. I am afraid. I am unwilling. But, I so desperately want both. I want my plans AND to be faithful.

"But he gives more grace... - James 4:6" 

He gives grace to let me wrestle. He gives grace to let me question. He gives grace to give me time to grow to each stage of life he needs me in. He gives grace in my broken human state, because I am really not qualified for anything he calls me to do apart from him. I can only offer him a broken heart and a spirit that yearns to be willing even when its not quite there yet.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise - Psalm 51:17

 I feel more spiritually vulnerable now than I ever have. And vulnerable in the sense that God is pushing me to submission, to walk forward with unwavering (not from me) faith, and protecting my heart from the enemy at the same time. And, I feel that familiar tug... the yearn and desire for more than this world can offer me. Passion that feels like it could explode from my chest.

But God I am only 20....

I am back stage of Gods huge plan [He is the composer, the director, the stage coordinator, the vocal teacher, and my number one fan] . the curtain is closed. I am sitting behind it waiting for them to open and reveal a scene I have yet to imagine. I am so scared. I have a part I know that... just what is it? Have I practiced enough? Am I really the BEST person for this part? Surly I am not... Is this really what he is asking me to do? All of the sudden I have developed stage fright and forgotten how to sing the song God has been writing for me. The notes are messy. I can see where I grabbed the pen from him. My marks look so much more desirable with good intentions. Surely they can't be that bad? No.. No.. stick to the composer Becky. Will there be a spot light? Or am I simply to be a stage hand for something bigger? Is this a duet or am I flying solo? Excuse me director? Yes please check and make sure Rebecca Fuller is on this cast list. I think there was a mistake. I look to my left and to my right. My friends don't seem to be on the same stage. Their stage looks more like my scene, my taste... my desire. It looks like something I can manage better. Something that looks better than my stage. Look they have a violin. Wouldn't my song sound better with a violin? Its so dark. I am nervous. When will the curtains open? Am I a main character or am I a substitute for a brief time? What am I doing on this stage? I didn't sign up for this... I chose to follow and merely found myself in this room of waiting. When did everyone else take a different direction?... but I know deep down in my heart it [ what ever IT is ] will be good.

... Because all things for God and through God are good. 

"So let go, my soul and trust in him. The waves and wind still know his name" - It is Well// Bethel

So here I am. Waiting. Broken. Exhausted. Clueless. Vulnerable.

.... and guess what.

It's right where God has led me.

"Dear Lord, please give me grace. More grace as I struggle to discern your will. Grace as I wrestle with where you are taking me. Please help me be more willing, even when I don't want to be. Please help me to be more vulnerable to you and strong against the voice of the enemy. Please help me trust... to have peace... to rise to what ever you call me to. I am afraid. I feel so inadequate. Please help me to trust you with my desires.. with my dreams and bring me to a place to give them to you whole heartedly. I am sinful and I am holding on to what I think is best. I am not quite ready to give you the reigns. Please help me trust. Forgive me when I turn away. Forgive me when my humanness comes to close too your will. Forgive me when I lose sight of the cross and how faithful you are and have been. Forgive me when I am to afraid to pray and run from your plan... Amen."

These words "more" and "vulnerable" I keep using...

I prayed these words back in December in preparation for 2015 and I have a feeling I will be eating them for left overs for many years to come.

Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future. - Psalm 16:5