It's Been A While

 It's been a while since I posted to this little space on the internet I made 5 years ago.

I've been spending so much time and energy working on my website, trying to graduate, and really just living life, that this little space has been neglected. I've been trying to move my social media presence over to my website more as I step out of the student world into the professional world, but something keeps me coming back to this little space. So much of my heart and time has been poured into it. I've learned so much about HTML and design through researching things for this little blog. Through the days of fusion is documented here as well.  This place is home for me, so I'm not getting rid of it just yet.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my heart and head. My senior year of college is almost over. I walk the stage to graduate in less than 14 days.

Im at one of my favorite coffee shops in town, Amelie's. It's been raining the last few days and I think thats been so appropriate for my personal Winthrop experience. It's always rained on the important days of my college career. Nice soft even light is pouring in from the window. It's my favorite light - soft, even, white, and pure. For some reason, it reminds me of joy and peace. It's the calm after the storm.

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting these days. Below is part of the testimony the Lord brought me through of my time here at Winthrop. I don't think even these words are even close to expressing the capacity of my thoughts and emotions about this time. In some ways the Lord cracked open my soul in deep ways to expose a lot of dirt that needed to be dealt with. Like a person recovering from surgery, I still feel the rawness of that hard season of wrestling he brought me through, but life on the other side of the vally is so so good. I just want more - more of him, more of his goodness, more knowledge, and more peace.

The last 4 years have been this beautifully messy balance of good and hard. I feel exposed, known, and oh so loved after it. This campus and this city have become my home. I am better because of it.

There is so much uncertainty going forward. I have days where my list of questions seem longer than the answers. It's hard not to compare at this stage. Everyone's life looks so different now. I feel steady though. Good things are in the works. My heart knows this.

2017, so far you have been the most beautiful blessing of redemption, joy, and excitement. I can't wait to see what else you hold for my future.

I found RUF my very first week of campus when I was kidnapped by a senior RUFFer and taken to the campus ministers house for lunch. By kidnapped I mean she literally said “get in my car your going to Chris’s house.” with no other questions or explanations. My first large group I was met by 5-6 seniors screaming at the top of their lungs and running around Kinard. I had been to large group for less than 10 minutes when I turned to my friend and said “ I think this is the place for me.” There were so many people there opened about their brokenness and excited for Jesus - I loved that. What I didn’t know about RUF back then, was just how much God would use it to teach me about brokenness, wrestling, and rest.

I walked onto campus 4 years ago, 18 years old with a pocket full of dreams and expectations. I was met with a lot of "life". You know, the un-glamorous stuff, the hard stuff, failing relationships, emotional unrest, unexpected halts in your own plans, etc. My college experience has been full of growing pains, the kind that keep you up for a restless night. Restless - that's a good word for it. I never saw it coming. I spent most of my 4 years here just trying to survive. It's hard to be in a place you love, but be so clouded by hurt and fear that you struggle to find joy and purpose in it. I was that girl in college. A girl who lacked a deep sense of purpose in her place, but felt like so much more was demanded from her.

When I imagined what college would be like, I imagined many dinners with friends, a cute house full of girls doing life together. I imagined deep friendships and continuing on this path I was so sure God put me on. College was supposed to be the best 4 years. In my mind that equalled happy carefree years.

Instead, I ate many dinners alone between classes. I would escape to my photo studio to cry between classes because life felt too overwhelming and I didn’t have the answers for it. My major demanded so much more than I was prepared for. I questioned if the people here truly knew me. But, I did find a church I absolutely love and that feels like home… my last semester of college.

I spent 2 years of college recovering from major back surgery that I was not planning on having the summer after my freshman year. That changed the rest of my time here and my life.  A solid year of my college career was spent depressed and filled with anxiety. I didn't recognize who I had become and that scared me. I wasn't supposed to be the depressed girl because "I knew better" than that. The worst part of it all was I didn't understand it and so my friends and family struggled to understand it too. During that time a lot of steady relationships I had suddenly started changing and I found myself feeling lonely and hurt in some of the deepest places of my soul. I came to know the sinful side of me really well - jealous, unforgiving, angry, frustrated, selfish, desperate... you name it, I felt it. I thought it.

It didn't help that I suddenly for the first time in my life had very serious questions about God and who he was. With everything going on around me and in me, I was struggling to discern truth from lies. In my anxiety and depression he became distorted to me. I was struggling to apply his truths to my heart and I was unsure of what he was doing. I now know the Lord used this season to start changing my heart in new ways. But, the new me was messy, un-put together, and a lot more emotional than I cared for. And, I was desperate for him to breath new life back into me. But in his good and perfect plan, he made me wait, so I questioned if he even cared or if he was even good.

RUF was the place I went to wrestle and I have learned valuable life lessons from it. Mark gave me the freedom to be who I was - A HOT MESS. He met me where I was and continued to speak truth over the lies I was believing. If you’ve got an issue Mark probably has a theological article for that. Over the last 4 years the Lord has been teaching me through RUF how to wrestle with my emotions, challenge his word, how to question well, and what grace looks like. I was converted from a hymn hater to a hymn lover. Finding a sense of community felt like a big struggle in college, but RUF brought me relationships I've come to cherish overtime. Even when I felt out of place I knew I had large group to go to and there would be familiar faces. I stuck with RUF and this year have found a deep sense of community and purpose in this campus ministry. Most Wednesday nights I have gone to bed with a full heart because of the ways the people here have impacted me.

This year has felt really redeeming. I stuck with RUF and found a friend group I feel at home with. I stuck with RUF and found a place on the worship team. I stuck with RUF and found the place the Lord would teach my discontent heart. The Lord used RUF to teach me about brokenness, grace, seasons, and wrestling, in the most tender and subtle ways.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you struggle with anxiety. Maybe you have more questions than answers. Maybe your expectations for college aren't being met. Maybe you are lonely, hurt, frustrated, discontent. Please know you aren’t in this alone. Many have walked this path before you. Reach out, show up, keep trying, keep praying, and wrestle well with who you are and who God is. My God works in his timing and sometimes in ways we can not see when we are standing at the bottom of the Mountain. If you need proof or friend, come find me and let’s get coffee.

Now it's my time to leave. :( So I take more pictures, I hug a little harder, and I'm trying to remember every little thing because I know I'll never get this time back. Here are some of my favorite pictures with my friends.

2 YEARS POST OP

Today I have lived 730 days with THE RODS. It's funny how time keeps moving forward and I still find myself trying to go back savor each moment and remember it for the rest of my life. I have days where it still actually blows my mind that I had two titanium poles fused to my spine and I am still functioning properly (for the most part).

God is still showing me how faithful he is through this because somehow I keep meeting people at different stages of life (with the rods) who have the same part of their spine fused as me. Which is crazy. There are decent odds of me finding someone else who has been fused in some part of their spine. The odds are slim that I'll find people who have the EXACT vertebra as me fused. So far in this 730 and counting journey I have met 3 people who have their T1-L3 vertebra fused. (We should make a facebook group.)

This summer I've been the most active in my journey with the rods. I work at a daycare watching little ones ages newborn-1. I also have been working out the most consistently (although if im being honest I have a long way to go before my workouts meet my expectations (they are not impressive)). I can feel the toll it takes on my back. Im sore most days and my nerve pain has come back with a vengeance. It's all about the balance now of learning how to communicate with my body and take a step back when I need too.

I still get excited to get new X-rays. I still stare at them in disbelief. All things considering im feeling pretty good most days.

I don't know what the right answer is.

"Christians are being persecuted not for loving Jesus too much but for loving people too little."

I don't know what the right answer is. I don't know what the right answer is to coping with the changes that are happening in our world. I don't know what the right side of politics are. I don't know what the best solution to transgender bathrooms is. I don't know what side of the fence I fall on for most movements. Some parts of feminism are great and others confuse me. Im still trying to filter and figure out how to openly discuss these issues and form my own opinions.  I don't know how I feel about the recent video that went viral about millennialist of today and how we are lazy. It doesn't help that there are 1000s of well written articles supporting and denying all of these things.

 Our generation is different than the generations before us. I know that. Our world is changing and different. That is fact.

I get so discouraged getting on social media these days. For every article or video someone post about an issue or opinion there are 4 more posted against it. I've watched so many people take a stand for their opinions. I've seen extreme measures taken to express these opinions.

Regardless of whether you think America is moving forward or backwards with these changes, our society is changing. The typical american dream is changing.

I've been thinking about this quote a lot recently and about the recent boycott of target. This is not a post defending or supporting target, that is not the point.

I find myself asking Jesus want would you do if you walked in todays society? Its a question that burdens my heart because I wonder if he would boycott things similar to how we are treating target.

But I do know one thing he would do.

He would love.

What does that look like? What would it look like to love?

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This verse convicts me because I wonder how many times I haven't been any of these things in light of all the controversial things that have taken place with in the last 3 years. I'd be willing to bet a lot. This verse convicts me because I need to be better at being patient and listening, regardless of whether the persons lifestyle is like mine or not.

 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." - Matthew 22:37-39

When his disciples asked him what the greatest commandment was his response was... love.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13

When I look at Jesus' time walking on earth I see him reaching out to the least likely people. I don't see him accusing right or wrong. He is patient. He is patient with you and me. He is kind. His words are kind. He takes the time to stop and listen. He does not envy nor boast. If I'm being honest and I was the son of God... I'd be boasting and moving mountains to show off. He didn't get angry. He didn't shut down. He didn't walk away. He never brought up sin again. He never pointed out peoples past. He rejoiced in truth. He never got angry with people over their differences and sin. He always pointed back to truth. The truth is that God loves his people and we are all broken and flawed in need of a savior. Jesus protects. He saved a woman from being stoned to death for her sins. He trusted the father to guide him. He trusted the father to protect him. He hoped. He hoped for the people he encountered. He didn't get discouraged. He persevered through unimaginable trials.

I can't help but wonder if maybe we are so focused on protecting our laws and our old habits we are missing the beautiful opportunity to demonstrate love to those who need it. I can't help but wonder if we are so focused on what scripture says is wrong and how we can stay in our safe bubbles of "rightness", then we miss out on learning and experiencing grace first hand. Grace is a difficult thing. Its difficult because where grace is found there is a mess that was made.

Maybe we are missing the point, the bigger picture.

There isn't a black and white answer to the issues we face today. Im still figuring out how to navigate this life. I don't know what side of the fence you sit on and I don't know what side of the fence I sit on for some issues. But, I do know that if you are a christian then you are called to love. I am called to love. That doesn't mean you have to agree or advocate something. It simply means to be patient, kind, to persevere, to hope, to trust, to say calm, and to stand in truth.


So, in light of the events that our world is contemplating I'm asking you to filter these things first through love.

May the lord forgive me for the times I have walked away from opportunities to love. May he forgive me for the times I have closed off curious minds from the gospel from my harsh actions. May he change the parts of me that are holding on to my "rightness" so I may embrace others more.



For what its worth... I think Jesus would still go to target.