2 YEARS POST OP

Today I have lived 730 days with THE RODS. It's funny how time keeps moving forward and I still find myself trying to go back savor each moment and remember it for the rest of my life. I have days where it still actually blows my mind that I had two titanium poles fused to my spine and I am still functioning properly (for the most part).

God is still showing me how faithful he is through this because somehow I keep meeting people at different stages of life (with the rods) who have the same part of their spine fused as me. Which is crazy. There are decent odds of me finding someone else who has been fused in some part of their spine. The odds are slim that I'll find people who have the EXACT vertebra as me fused. So far in this 730 and counting journey I have met 3 people who have their T1-L3 vertebra fused. (We should make a facebook group.)

This summer I've been the most active in my journey with the rods. I work at a daycare watching little ones ages newborn-1. I also have been working out the most consistently (although if im being honest I have a long way to go before my workouts meet my expectations (they are not impressive)). I can feel the toll it takes on my back. Im sore most days and my nerve pain has come back with a vengeance. It's all about the balance now of learning how to communicate with my body and take a step back when I need too.

I still get excited to get new X-rays. I still stare at them in disbelief. All things considering im feeling pretty good most days.

10.16.15

Large Format Photography, Double Exposure.

I am 15 months post op as of yesterday.

These ol Rods are fueling inspiration for photo projects. I am in awe every time I look at my X-Rays.

This is a Large Format Print of a  Double exposure featuring a self portrait and my X-rays.


Im working hard to get Photo shoot Fridays back up!

1 YEAR POST OP || SPINAL FUSION

Attention : This blog post contains real pictures of a real back pre and post surgery. It also contains a few pictures in the Hospital.

Last Selfie with Scoliosis! [Pre Op] || July 15th,2014

A year ago today, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, put on my brothers "Turn Down For What" tank top, and hopped in the car to head to McLeod Hospital for surgery. I had some idea of the adventure I was about to be on, but I had no idea of the story God was about to unfold in my life, a story that is still currently unfolding.

After surgery. 

I am forever grateful for the support that has been extended to me this year from friends, family, doctors, and my brothers and sisters in christ.

This year has been quite the year.

This picture shows my 5 missing ribs that were used for
surgery. They have since grown back I am proud to say.

30 credit hours. 2 college semesters. 2 Concerts. A football game. 1 mission trip. A volcano hike. SuCo with RUF. And, Countless hours of rest and netflix.

Soreness, stiffness, exhaustion, tears... Tingles and pinches.

Perfect Posture.

365 days with "The Rods".

A year full of pain, beauty, learning, growth, laughter, new experiences, and Jesus.. so much Jesus.

14 1/2 Inches

I remember thinking, waking up from surgery that day, that if I made it to July 15th, 2015... if I could just make it to my 12 month recovery mark.. life would resume to be normal and I would be unstoppable.

Here I am. 

Hello, July 15th of 2015

I remember that week in the hospital.. the nurses I liked... the nurses I wasn't to fond of. I still remember the feeling of being utterly helpless... a physical helplessness that Ive never known until fusion. I remember the first night out of surgery when my night nurse gave me my pain meds late. I remember the pure joy that filled my chest when my button for pain meds lit up bright green. I remember the first time I sat up and walked 5 steps to the chair to sit up.. I cried the whole time and asked the nurse when I could lay back down. I remember crying to my doctor because my blood levels were dropping dangerously low and I wasn't getting a transfusion. I remember being ready to leave the hospital but being scared because I was still so fragile. There was the first night at home and all the adjustments to that. I watched so many episodes of 19 Kids and counting and Full House. I remember the first real shower... that took 2 weeks to get to. (Probably TMI but fusion isn't as glamorous as it looks people.). I remember waking up in the middle of the night in so much pain but so far away from my next dose of medication. Kari Jobe got me through those moments. I remember relearning the little things... like putting shoes on, putting a shirt over my head, putting on pants without having to sit down, bring able to curl my hair the first time, etc... those were huge things to accomplish a year ago. I remember the exact path I walked laps around my house in to build up strength. I remember that I couldn't even pick up my laptop. Then there was the first time I went to church. The smile on peoples faces and gentle hugs. I remember all the support... the text messages. I remember being scared of my first appointment post op. Wondering if I could go back to school. Then there was move in day. That was exhausting. I remember the first night at school after my parents left. The fear that I wouldn't be able to make it by myself. I remember the first day of classes. I had only gotten through my first class. I made it back to my room (my roommate was gone) and let a few exhausted, in pain, and feeling hopeless tears escape as I contemplated giving up and calling my mom to tell her to come get me. I remember my friend Rachel looking me in the face that day at lunch and telling me I could do it and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have made it through the semester.

I remember peace... so much peace among the fear.

Then there was the day I fell. That was scary. There was the day I went to a Clemson football game and survived the hill with one casualty that involved a college boy running into me. There was the time I went to an RUF overnight the 2nd or 3rd weekend of school and that took a lot out of me.

I remember the first time I tried on a bathing suit post op and cried... a lot.

And, the first time I went dress shopping tried on almost every dress in the store.

I remember the first time swimming post op. Swimming has been the only time I feel like I have never had surgery.. even to this day.

I remember carrying a pillow to class.. and the cart. There were weird looks, jokes made, and a few ignorant people who picked on me. NOTHING CAN STOP ME, MY BATMAN PILLOW, AND MY CART. You just stay out of my way.

I took the cart down the middle of Oakland Ave. because I couldn't find a ramp near me. I OWNED IT.

Then there was the first time I laid on my stomach and I didn't like it, but I got used to it and sleeping became so much more comfortable after that.

I slowly watched the number of pillows in my bed decrease as the year went on.

Then there was the first time I went bowling and used the kid ramp.

The first time I stepped back into the gym with my 2 pound weights and had every guy in the Gym looking at me funny. JOKES ON YOU FELLAS because none of them knew the battle I was going through.

I can remember wrestling with disability at school to get the accommodations I needed.

I remember the first time I ran post op.. the first time I jumped... the first time I picked something up heavier than a milk jug...

The first time I danced post op. I mean really danced for 3 hours.

Then there was the day I realized I could still move my hips and do basic yoga. I might have cried a bit over that too.

So many clothes were purchased this year that had scar accessibility.

I met a girl who had the same surgery as me 8 years ago. Fusion buddies!

I remember struggling trying to explain to people what I was going through internally and externally. Apparently I looked pretty normal on the outside and like I had it together.

I remember having to get used to chairs and car seats. Most of them are still pretty uncomfortable to this day.

I hope I never get used to seeing myself in the mirror or in a picture so straight and don't think its beautiful. I hope I never get used to just pulling a dress off of a rack at a store and trying it on without remembering how painful things like that used to be emotionally for me. I hope I never forget just how much Jesus poured his love over me during this season. I hope I never forget the feeling I had when I looked at my scar for the first time. It was love at first sight. I hope I never get used to how comfortable I feel. I hope I never get used to the things that are easier for me now. Because all of it reminds me of this incredible journey I have been on. It reminds me of how magnificent God is. It reminds me that I have overcome something that few will ever experience. I hope I never forget how tough this journey has been or how much stronger I am now that I am on the other side of it.

I hope I never forget how beautiful it is to watch your body grow back together and grow in strength in 365 days.

My scar is one of my favorite things about me now. It tells a story of pain, beauty, and strength. Its the remains of a insecurity that no longer exist. It is the remains of a medical condition that will never get worse, that will never effect what I wear, how walk, or how I breath. It is the reason why one day if I ever have kids I will not have a lopsided pregnant belly and my baby will have plenty of room to grow. It is the reason I will never have to feel a rib touch my lung. Behind that scar is two titanium rods, 13 screws, 2 hooks, and 5 new ribs. There are 15 vertebra fused into 1 solid bone.

These rods helped me obtain a stature of a whole 5 feet and 3 inches... not quite average height, but I've never liked being average.

There is nothing special about this photo except for the fact
that when I pressed that little green button twice
the word pain was not in my vocabulary anymore.

I have been cleared. Cleared to run and cleared to carry a book bag. Now its my good judgement. I will still say No to things. I am still weak, but I am so much stronger than I was.

I am not the same girl who perceives life through the same eyes that woke up that early morning of July 15th, 2014.

1st time walking 3 days after surgery. My blood levels were
really low and I was struggling but I did it.

Left - A week Before Surgery
Right - 3 Weeks after surgery.

I am pain free.

I am fused.

Spinal Fusion is one of the craziest things I have ever been apart of.

Updates on the Rods.

• They did NOT set off plane security going to Guatemala or coming from there.
• I no longer notice that I sit up straight abnormally. It just feels normal to me.
• Being hit, poked, or jabbed still isn't fun and probably will never be fun when you can't bend to absorb the impact.

For the first time through this journey someone asked me a few weeks ago if I got tired of/hated sitting up straight all the time.

My honest answer... is yes, sometimes it annoys me and sometimes I crave to slouch a bit to relieve tension in my shoulders. Most of the time though its pretty cool.

3 weeks after surgery. My first time out of the house for church.
I lost so much weight in those 3 weeks.

As I think back to a year ago I remember a sweet time. I remember peace and confidence through this journey.

July 2015.

Knowing what I know now, would I go through this again?
    Yes. I would redo this year again in a heart beat. Spinal Fusion is hard. I wouldn't wish for anyone to have to go through it. I hate that it is the last resort for scoliosis patients. However, I am so grateful for it too. Because of this surgery my quality of life will be so much better with age. This surgery has taught me life lessons. It has brought me confidence. It has tuned my heart with more compassion and understanding. Everyone goes through battles in life. A lot of people have medical conditions that are hard... that are scary... that hurt... that sometimes cause emotional pain. If you have never had one, or been in that situation it is so easy to take the facts into play and forget about the emotional hardship they can have. There have been many times this year I responded with "I am doing good.. or the back feels great" and while they were honest answers I still had my internal struggles with recovery.

People still look at me crazy when I say I'm in recovery. People still look at me funny when I get excited about doing "first" with the rods. People think I am afraid when I say I'm not ready to do things because of my back surgery still.

Truth is I am just beginning to experience life with these babies because I have been cleared to start trying things again. I still have a few first to get through. Truth is I am still really weak and physical activity can take a lot out of me depending on the situation. Truth is I don't like to do somethings I used to simply because it feels different and weird and I can do with out it.

I have also learned to be more confident in saying No. Because I have had to say it a lot this year.

Advice to those who are facing Spinal Fusion in the future?
  If you are faced with the decision of spinal fusion (for the correction of scoliosis) I would wait as long as your doctor recommends to have it. <- (Advice #1) Why?... I walked into my doctors office as a junior in high school with a severe insecurity about my curvy spine. I had looked up the treatment options and decided that I thought the surgery (In my mind that I planned for the summer between my junior and senior year) would be the perfect fix. I walked out of that doctors office in tears because he basically told me that my curve was bad enough that it was going to get worse... but that it wasn't too severe that he would feel comfortable doing a surgery with as many risk as spinal fusion on me at that time.

I was so mad and upset that day. I wanted a fix to my spine so that I could feel better about it. Instead looking back post op I am so glad he didn't do the surgery then. I would have missed out on so much my senior year of high school trying to recover from this surgery. I wouldn't be able to appreciate how good I feel physically in my body post op had I gone under the knife early. It wasn't easy to slowly watch my spine get worse in person and on an X-ray. It wasn't easy to struggle with hating my body in a bathing suit and hoping the boy I danced with at the prom didn't notice my uneven hips. It wasn't easy to watch difficulty seep its way into my spine as my curve got worse. But, because I waited until it medically got to the point of needing correction I appreciate my straight spine for so much more than just cosmetic reasons.

Because he said no that gave me time to research. Which is advice #2. RESEARCH THE SURGERY. I have talked to so many people who have walked into the OR with out an adequate knowledge of what this surgery is about. Know the facts. Know the recovery time line. I was googling this surgery for 2 years before I had it. I read success stories... I read stories that weren't so glamorous. I knew the risk before my doctor ever told me them. I know sometimes we give advice to people about googling medical issues because they can just freak you out. I think that is a valid statement. However, In my case... knowing what I was getting myself into fully equipped me to have the BEST recovery I could imagine. Not only did I do my own research but I talked to people who have walked through this surgery. I also asked my doctors about the facts I read and asked his opinion if he thought (knowing my spine, knowing the nature of surgery, knowing other patients he has worked on) it would be a risk I would face.

• Talk to your doctor
• Talk to several people who have had the surgery/cared for someone who had the surgery
• Research the facts and talk to your doctor about them.

Every check up appointment this year I was in his office asking questions... Like Can I do this? Well why not?... If I were to do this how would it impact my spine? I won't see you for 3 months I know XYZ  is a No for right here and now but if XYZ happened in 2 months could I do it then.. or should we re-evaluate that in 3 more months? This was not to be annoying. I asked these questions because with the nature of this surgery if you over do it physically IT HURTS FOR DAYS. Also once you've been under the knife the 1st time you really don't want to have to go under again if you can help it. I asked that question because 50% of the battle of this surgery is the weakness that comes from a year of no physical activity. I was doing as much as my doctor recommended and while I am still incredibly weak right now I am not as weak as I could be. I asked about every pain or feeling that I thought was abnormal.

Advice #3. Educate your friends/family that will be around you and caring for you. Jesslyn Ham has been getting the spinal fusion speech for the last 4 years. Rachel started getting it freshman year at school. If I looked up some random fact about surgery or a story that had something worth mentioning I told them. I told them my fears... or how I thought I might respond to each stage of recovery. I told them the risk. They needed to be prepared for that too. I told them what the doctor had cleared me to do and they kept me accountable. They pushed me to do things too when I didn't want to because they knew it would be good for me in the long run.

Advice #4 Pray. Okay I know for some people this might be a cliche statement. I have never seen Gods hand more evident over my life than with this surgery. (Thats not to say he hasn't always been there... because he has) Prayer got me through a lot more than my doctors or my knowledge ever did.

Advice #5 Set goals, determined, and celebrate the small stuff. I had my surgery 6 weeks before I was supposed to return for  my sophomore year at college. 6 weeks was the minimum amount of time the doctors waited to release patients to go back to school (with strict limitations). Those 6 weeks I had a goal. My goal? Make it back to college. I walked laps in my house those six weeks. I sat up and would watch episodes on TV for endurance and to build muscle up for basic things like sitting up and walking.

That was the big goal. I had little goals at first to get to the big goal. Goals like, be able to walk 2 laps around my neighborhood. Be able to shower. Find a creative way to shave my legs. Figure out how to put on pants and a shirt. Those things seem silly but they are actually VERY hard after this surgery. Every goal I accomplished my friends celebrated with me. I remember texting Jesslyn in all caps I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO SHAVE MY LEGS POST OP. We celebrated that.

3 weeks after having my surgery I went to church for the first time post op. I was exhausted afterwards. I came home took my pain meds and slept for 3 hours. It took a lot out of me at the time, but I did it anyways because the next week I was up singing with the praise team. I still slept after that service too but you see how progress was made? Now if you are not out of the house 3 weeks after having this surgery that is OKAY. Everyones body responds differently to this surgery. I have a high pain tolerance and I laugh at pain too. I am weird. Those two things enabled me to push through and do more things. If you can't thats OKAY. Trust me. I know the pain, the struggle, the difficulty. Just do what you can do.

Advice #6 Don't compare your recovery to other peoples recovery. This one is hard. I have been very fortunate to experience my recovery as easily as I have. I know the facts of this surgery (remember all the research I was talking about?) I know that I made spinal fusion look like a piece of cake. I know this surgery is hard. I know some people take more than a year to recover. I know some people struggle with pain or nerve damage or what ever it is way more than I did/do.

Twitter has a unique family of scoliosis survivors and spinal fusion patients. I had to stop following a lot of them because they would appear to handle a step in recovery better than me or I would feel guilty that I was doing so well and they were struggling. Everybody's body is different. Every curve of scoliosis is unique. Everyone handles pain different. Everyone handles emotions different. So naturally recovery for every patient is going to look slightly different. Keep on keeping on through your own recovery. Know that you are not alone in the struggle even if yours seems worse or different.

Thats all I can think about right now.

What does life with the rods look like for you this year?
As of right now my only limitation is my good judgment. Because I am so out of shape some activities that I could do in theory I am holding off of to build up some more strength... for now. I should not do high impact activities such as tackle football (sorry boys... looks like you'll have to do with out me.) Other than that I am a free woman and plan to get back into the swing of things. :D


I would love to use my story to help other person out facing this surgery. If you or someone you know is facing Spinal Fusion/ had a spinal fusion please feel free to contact me. Id love to hear your story and walk with you on your Fusion Journey.

You can check out the rest of my story here.

• Growth & Waiting
• Fused and Still Fabulous
• Two Weeks!
• Recovery... Not What I Expected
• Recovery Milestones
• An Unexpected Summer of Beauty
• First Days Of Recovery At WU
• 2 Months Post Op | Side Lines
• January 15th, 2015
• 8 Months Post Op

8 Months Post Op

I wrote this in my journal a couple weeks ago venting about post surgery life....

" I miss being able to bend my back. The thrill of surgery isn't new anymore. I have been pain free for about a month now
My back still tingles and still feels so foreign sometimes. Its a daunting task building my strength back up. I wonder if the idea of falling will ever be less terrifying to me.
I wonder if Ill get to a place where hearing someone talk about zumba, yoga, or dancing doesn't leave my heart feeling slightly discourage at my limitations and inability to participate in activities like that anymore.
I miss the feeling you get when you lay down and every bit of tension in your body leaves as you relax, as your spine conforms to the surface you lay on.
I miss the sweet relief of feeling your spine crack after a long day.
I miss slouching.
I miss bending to touch my toes... to pick something up... to tie my shoe...to bend.
I often feel like I am in a princess movie, learning "good posture" strapped to a chair 24/7, but I can't get up.
I miss feeling strong (physically).
I miss lifting things and it not feeling incredibly weird as my muscles tighten while my spine is stiff and still. I wonder if lifting things will ever feel normal again.
I miss tensing my abs to sit up in the morning or get off the floor, or not having to worry about where I chose to lean and lay because the idea of "getting up" doesn't take that much effort.
I miss running and dancing."

I wrestled back and forth with whether I wanted to share these. I feel like my spinal fusion story has been one painted with a positive light... and by Jesus only.  But, after thinking about it I don't think this journal entry paints it any less positive, in fact I think this journal points it more to Christ because it shows my heart, my struggle, and the very place where God has been intersecting my heart to pour out his grace and crushing love.

It shows where my human struggle meets a divine purpose and the crux of where God is shaping my heart to a perspective more focused on him and his plan.

It is honest.

I'd be lying to every single person I shared this story with if I didn't talk about the hard stuff, the mundane stuff, and the stuff that is forever different, the stuff that no thought is given to the outside but can scream internally should it be given a place to do so.

As these very real thoughts of fear and discouragement come my way there are 10 thoughts toward my savior who sustained me and carried me through it all. As discouragement comes my way there are quiet screams to the one stronger than me and gentle responses of love and understanding. I've been stripped a layer of independence, replaced with a dependance that only comes through overcoming with someone... My someone is Jesus. He has painted the picture of the cross in so many ways on my heart.

There is so much hope, confidence, and coming strength my friends. Though the battle isn't over yet there is an end in sight. There are lessons learned, moments captured, beauty revealed, and a heart that is continually being changed. There is so much joy at how much better life is scoliosis free, despite the thoughts above.

I am 8 months post op and am awe at the road behind me. I have completed 3/4 of my recovery timeline. Life is mostly back to my new normal. Just building up strength one day at a time and waiting for the day I get cleared to run again.



If you haven't been following my story, you can find more links below.

• Growth & Waiting
• Fused and Still Fabulous
• Two Weeks!
• Recovery... Not What I Expected
• Recovery Milestones
• An Unexpected Summer of Beauty
• First Days Of Recovery At WU
• 2 Months Post Op | Side Lines
• January 15th, 2015

January 15th, 2015

Today's date is a good date.

I like the number 5. I don't know why. Maybe its because it was my soccer number, I was born in 1995, and if you add 5 + 5 you get 10, a nice even number.

Regardless, today I am officially 6 months post operation of my Spinal fusion surgery and that is really exciting to me. The link above will take you to recovery updates and the rest of my story.

This week my second semester of my Sophomore year in college started. Winthrop opens their dorms back up to students the day before classes are supposed to start, so its been a little crazy trying to move back in, get my books, complete homework (because this is college so they assign homework on the first day), and get into some sort of routine.

Here are some first week blurbs and impressions of how life is going here at WU.

I really think I am going to enjoy most of my classes (well the professors seem nice).

I am taking Biology this semester and thats pretty cool because its a flash back to my high school days and how much I like science.

Im taking an accounting class. Thats scary, but I am determined to make an A.

My 2D Media studies class I get to dip into some painting and printmaking. I forgot how time consuming that type of work can be but its nice to not have to rely on sunlight for this class.

Both of my art classes seem manageable.

The most exciting part of this week is that I went to the Gym for the first time since the rods became a part of me and they didn't hinder me one bit. I really am going to be okay you guys. I really am going to be able to get back to my new and improved "old self". Im going to be able to run and play sports and not feel fragile soon. I can't run yet, and thats okay. One step at a time.

I have very little muscle on my body right now and can laugh about it because it will be a problem of the past soon.

Working out has helped tremendously take the strain of stiffness and scar tissue off my back. I don't feel so ridged after a workout. In fact I feel so much better and free that I am having to remind myself that once a day is enough.

For now Im going to the Gym 4-5 days a week, doing the elliptical for 15 minutes exactly, and lifting 3 pound weights 3 reps of 10 to build muscle up in my back and arms. It doesn't seem like much but it fills my heart with joy after sitting and laying around for 6 months.

The cart so far has not made an appearance yet on campus. Most of my classes are spaced out enough to be able to stop by my dorm in-between classes to keep a light load. Im sure the cart will come out when art projects start to pile on soon.

It has been so nice and freeing to walk around campus managing my needs with this fun bag I got for Christmas. It was a great gift. Its small enough that its hard for me to carry more than I am supposed to with my limitations but its big enough that the cart hasn't been necessary. I feel like a normal gal on a college campus again. I am no longer confined the ramps on sidewalks or elevators.

It has been so fun to compare this first week to last semesters first week only being 7 weeks away from surgery. I am still questioning how I managed to survive when I think about it.

Another semester is underway and I can't wait to see what God is going to have in store.

6 Months Post Op

I can remember 6 months ago thinking to myself if I just can make it halfway I will have conquered the hardest part of this recovery. Here I am on the other end of that statement and I've made it.

Thank you so much to everyone who, even still, ask me how my back is doing. It means more to me than you know or will ever understand.

Updates:

A week from today [January 15th] I will officially be 6 months post op.

I was mostly pain free at 3 months however within the last month or two I have had increasing amounts of pain in my left shoulder blade. Doctor thinks it could be scar tissue or a pulled muscle.

Limitations: No Running, Skating, or basically anything that is considered intense impact on my spine.

I DO however get to carve out gym time in my schedule this semester as I have been cleared to do a bit more and lift heavier amount of weights. In fact Dr. is recommending I do lift waits to see if that builds strength up in my shoulder blade and eases the pain. Part of me is really excited and then part of me still thinks I'm too fragile to try.

In theory I could start carrying a book bag, however, Dr. is concerned that to much weight could pull muscles in my back so the cart is still a thing.

I'm still numb in a few areas of my back and my nerves are super sensitive still.

Sometime within the last three months my ribs grew back. Which blows my mind. I was under the impression that they would take years and have been poking my ribless area this whole time trying to feel when they magically arrived. I missed that moment. They look twig like in the X-rays but my doctor says over time they will build up calcium and be strong again.

I still get tired. Its weird though because its unpredictable and sometimes just hits me randomly.

Difficulties: Within the last month or so I think I really have felt the weight and change this surgery has brought on my life. As my pain is ceasing I am becoming more aware physically of what I can and can't do because of the rods, limitations aside. Now not bending to pick something up a certain way is because I physically can't do that anymore, rather than because the idea of trying it is not appealing due to pain. Im learning to work around that.

These next 6 months will be getting over mental barriers of being to fragile or to scared of hurting myself as my body completely heals from this surgery and I am able to do more.

I hesitate to say Im feeling "back to normal" because in truth even when I am feeling "normal" I'm realizing I will never be "back to normal". There is still so much to me that is foreign or feels different and weird. I have a new normal.  I will always be aware of The Rods and they will always effect how I do things now.

I am okay with that.

To this day I am still very happy I had this surgery. Gods hand and provision through it all has touched me deeply in ways that words are inadequate to describe. That alone has made every second of this worth it.

"... For I am the Lord your Healer" - Exodus 15:26

If you haven't been following my story, or have no idea what spinal fusion is you can find the links to previous blog post below and check them out.

• Growth & Waiting
• Fused and Still Fabulous
• Two Weeks!
• Recovery... Not What I Expected
• Recovery Milestones
• An Unexpected Summer of Beauty
• First Days Of Recovery At WU
• 2 Months Post Op | Side Lines

2 Months Post Op | Sidelines

Today marks two months post op.

In someways I can't believe its only been 2 months. Surgery some days seems like months ago, but other days I am proud I've made it this far. The more that I think about the past two months, the more I realize just how insane this whole situation has been.

Today I almost got stuck on the floor trying to take a picture of a coke bottle for class. I can honestly say this surgery has challenged my photography in more ways than my professors ever could have. I currently am not supposed to lay on my stomach still until my doctors clear me. 2 weeks ago I fell and hurt my knee (my back is fine!) on the side walk. Yesterday I reopened that wound hitting it on my bed post. You can image the difficulty of getting low perspectives when you can't lay on your stomach, get on and off the floor excessive amounts of times, or get on your knees to lower the perspective either. Professors here don't want to be bothered with photos at eye level (which are currently my favorite because they involve the least amount of bending (or lack of) in my life haha). I am doing the best I can, but I am still growing.

Im not really a sit on the side lines kind of girl, or at least I wasn't. Now you can find me sitting off to the side in a chair with my pillow. I am trying to look for ways for God to use that to his benefit. While its not my usual style to be reserved and lagging behind Im trying to find joy in the ways I can and make myself useful.

I am however, loving the days I am completely pain free and how comfortable I am in my body.
I am loving how every week I still am managing somehow to get stronger and feel better.
I am loving meeting more beautiful people here at Winthrop.

I love how the days I doubt this whole process God has given me a very tangible reassurance this summer that still fills me with warmth and wonder to think about.
I love to try on dresses and show my scar with pride.
I love when people ask me about my pillow or my scar I get to tell them about how insane modern medicine is and how awesome doctors are.

Lastly, I love that God is teaching me how to sit on the sidelines no mater how discouraging it can be at some times. I love that he is teaching me to have moments of quiet and contentment where I am at currently.

The Sideline is not a bad thing. Its a place for new perspective.

First Day & Recovery at WU

Today classes started on campus and I am 6 weeks post op.

Tuesdays & Thursdays also happen to be my busiest days of the week. (As usual)

If I am being completely honest with you getting through my classes from 9:30 - 6:15 was way harder than I anticipated. I guess since recovery has been so easy for me I was expecting classes to be also. Come lunch time I hit exhaustion and still had 6 hours of classes to go. Not to mention I had a few difficult professors who did not want to accept doctors notes or discuss the measures I needed to comfortably attend class. Oh and buildings that say handicap accessible are NOT conveniently handicap accessible... or even accessible in some cases. Maneuvering the school and avoiding stairs like the plague has been a bit overwhelming and very humorously adventurous when I am not tired or in pain.

Recovery is difficult to explain to people when you look like you are normal and are doing great.
(okay end rant)

BUT! Some positives in my day...

My friends are awesome. As annoying as I feel having to explain my surgery to everyone or constantly have to talk about it because I can't do this or that they have been super helpful.

I think I am going to love my photography class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Gummy bears have pulled me through two "lows" today. It was a good purchase from the Target.

(Lows being the points of extreme exhaustion and/or pain that hit due to spinal fusion recovery.)

Lastly I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend Rachel who pretty much told me all day that I could make it and when well out of her way to help me through the lows and get everything I needed to class despite her own demanding schedule.

Im holding on to 2 Timothy 4:17

"But the Lord stood with me and Strengthened me."

I think there are some great things in store this semester.

An Unexpected Summer of Beauty

Tomorrow officially marks 1 month post op. [August 15th]

Saturday marks one week away from moving back to school.

Im struggling to find the words to adequately portray the beauty I've experienced this summer.

I am leaving this summer season healed in more ways than I could have ever hoped for as I go back to school this fall.

From the beginning of my fusion story God's hand has been in it all. I feel so blessed to have had scoliosis. Not because it was fun, but because of the personal testimony I get to walk away with.

Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? - Ecclesiastes 7:13

I wish I could explain how beautiful it has been to feel little pieces of my body grow back together day by day. I wish I could paint you a picture of just how many milestones I had to pass and passed when I didn't know if it would be possible. I wish you could experience the little tingles as your body wakes up or watching how much easier every day task like brushing your teeth, sitting up, or walking up & down stairs becomes daily. I wish you could grasp how incredible it is that modern medicine can drill holes into a spine, completely rearrange it, and have the body grow back and function.   Most importantly I wish I could open up my heart and let you experience every little beautiful thing God has done for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically since the moment the word surgery left my doctors mouth on June 5th, 2014.

I got so much more out of this summer than expected. It makes it a little harder to leave home when Im leaving such a sweet time in my life behind and the wonderful people who stood by me through it all. I feel extremely blessed and grateful to be able to return to school this fall though.

I've still got at least 11-17 more months to go until I can go 110%, but when that time comes I'm going to resume taking on the world. For now I will carry my pillow for chairs, nap when needed, and shamelessly show my scar. I earned it.

1 Month down.

This is what I've been focused on. The pain and difficulty is worth it.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me -   2 Corinthians 12:9

This has been the verse of my summer.

Recovery Milestones

I often find myself feeling grateful for the way I physically feel through this recovery process.

I still have some pain. I still get really tired easily. I still can't touch my toes or the floor with out bending my knees and holding on to something for dear life. I still get out of breath singing, taking the stairs, walking, or even sometimes getting off the couch or bed if I move to fast. There is still a surge of extreme panic when people go to touch or hug me, bracing myself for the unknown.

But, most days I am really grateful for the stage I'm recovering at and seeing the benefits this surgery is reaping 3 weeks and 3 days out.

There are days I consider Recovery Milestones in my particular spinal fusion adventure. Those are days I wake up and know that another piece of my body has healed together just as it has supposed to. I really can't explain the beauty of it clear enough to you. It's something I'm assuming only those who go through a surgery like this can understand. Recovery Milestones are the days I can add another thing to my list of accomplishments or another day that my spirits run high and I know that this was the best choice I have made in my life thus far.

At the hospital I would consider sitting up for the first time, walking for the first time, and eating a solid meal for the first time to be huge milestones.

At home : Taking the stairs unassisted (with a railing of course), sleeping in my bed and not the couch for the first time, sleeping through the night, getting off my pain meds (hard core and over the counter) regularly, the first shower, and going to church.

There are plenty of other Milestone days of emotional wins and days full of high spirits, smiles, and healing these past few weeks. There have also been days of tears, battles, and extreme boredom.

Yesterday was a recovery milestone day. I woke up and knew that something was different inside and my steps toward "good as new" were closer. Today I saw its benefits.

Todays Accomplishments:

• Successful trip to Target

Recovery… not what I expected.

Recovery has been nothing of what I expected.

I did the research. I did the prep work. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I knew best case scenario and worst case scenario. I had assumed that while this surgery was going to fix my scoliosis it was also going to limit me and make me frustrated.

I have experienced none of this.

I am enjoying every part of recovery (except the extreme boredom). I don't know If I had a tainted view of what spinal fusion was or if I'm still on cloud 9 about finding out I can still wiggle my hips, one thing I am certain of is that Gods hand over me from the day I set the date (June 5th) to this very second right now he has been poured over me.

The worst part of this whole situation has been that my nose ring closed up. Lets be real here. If thats the worst that has happened I can live with it and be happy, because so much more could have happened.

I can honestly look you in the eye and say this surgery is the best thing that has happened to me even with it being 2 weeks out. I feel stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually despite the fact that I am incapable of lifting a jug of milk right now.

I think when you recover from something so major it brings a confidence and inner strength that you wouldn't have received otherwise. I feel like I can take on the world. (Until I sit up for a while then I remember I had major surgery and should probably rest a bit more before resuming my go get em attitude.)

For the first time in my life I feel straight and its a beautiful thing to me. Not to mention Im going to have this sick scar down my back. How cool is that?

Im at the stage of my recovery where I feel great for the most part. However I am not strong enough yet to be able to get out of the house every day and resume normal activities. Thats a little annoying. Ive watched more episodes of the Duggars and Full House than I care to admit. My couch is covered in pillows with everything I could possibly need within reach. I am a pro at picking things up off the floor with my feet. Life is good.

Thanks so much for all the prayers and support! I can't wait to look back on all this in a year.

Two Weeks!

I can't believe its been 2 weeks since surgery.

Time sure flies.

It some ways that makes me sad. Ive waited for this surgery (knowing eventually I was going to have to have it) for 3 years. Just like that its come and gone. It has been way easier than I expected.

I feel great!

Honestly this surgery is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so much stronger. Its been awesome watching how Gods hand in literally every little step has been for me. He has honestly carried me further than I even expected him to.

I am practically off my pain meds, even the over the counter. Im taking them as needed.

Yesterday I sat up for 80% of the day.

I can take the stairs.

I can walk to get what I need.

I can still wiggle my hips! (I was very concerned this would be lost forever) My dancing days will return soon!

I've also regained most of the feeling in my back! Which is a huge praise because often a side effect of this surgery is numb patches of skin on the back due to them having to cut through the nerves and them not regrowing properly.

Fused… and still Fabulous

I am 12 days post op from my spinal fusion.

It is so crazy to think so much time has past. Im some ways I feel like yesterday I was waking up in the hospital (from what I can remember).

Recovery has come so much easier than I expected.

There is pain but it is manageable. There is discomfort, but I am pushing through. There is lots of boredom and I am still looking to cure that one.

Day one in PICU I was already rolling myself from side to side unassisted.
Granted the poor nurses tried to help and got a weak "Don't touch me I can do it myself" as I stubbornly pushed through the pain. It was worth it. Its made recovery faster.

Doctors told me I did very well in the Hospital. At home has been no different. I am off hard core pain meds and managing my discomfort with lots of pillows, extra strength Tylenol, and Ibuprofen. I can sit up (for brief periods of time that get longer with every day), I can walk (again in moderation), and I can take the stairs.

Last night I slept in my own bed… for half the night. Its progress people.

I feel like I should have a "baby's first" book documenting everything I can do each day. Small things like the fact that I can touch my hands behind my back and raise them above my head. Today I walked to the mail box and back. Things as simple as being able to carry my laptop from the coffee table to the couch is huge. I couldn't do that a week ago. I physically wasn't strong enough. Each little thing shows me how much I am recovering day to day.

This surgery has shown me just how miraculous God created our bodies to be. It also has shown me just how much he is carrying me. From the stories I've read about this surgery I shouldn't be at the stage I am at yet.

 My body physically shut down from the trauma of this surgery. Everyday a new part of it has woken back up and resumed working again. Its been kind of fun (and annoying as I am constantly tingling) to watch myself heal. As my organs were shifted back into place with the correction of my spine its been fun feeling my stomach growl when I am hungry.

Ive been so blessed by such support here at home and from friends at college who have been checking up on me.

This is a minor bump in the road and Im going at it full force.

Growth & Waiting.

As I sit here in one of my favorite places in town ,Lula’s coffee shop, typing this blog post out on a word document because I cant figure out the wifi here I cant ignore the over whelming sense that God’s got me.

[Random Fun fact: I love coffee art ]

This summer for me has been about 2 things, growth and waiting.

Growth in the sense that God is teaching me just how much He is for me. I am relishing in that fact. Growth because learning how to make him a huge part of my life as a young woman has been harder than I thought.  Growth, because you just grow in life from experiences. Growth also because new passions are rising in my heart.

I am waiting. I don’t know for what. I am just waiting. God said "Becky wait" so I am waiting to hear about what I am waiting on. Crazy huh?

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14

I am entering into a new season in my walk with Christ. 

Next Tuesday I am having major back surgery that is going to change my life. Gods been like a comfortable mist around me squashing little fears and anxieties that threaten to creep up. I am having the curve known as Scoliosis in my back corrected on July 15th with a procedure known as Spinal Fusion. It’s a 12-18 month recovery period. For anyone who knows me you know that its going be tough. I am constantly on the go, being physically active, or dancing while I’m waiting for my roommate to get out the shower or for my popcorn to finish popping. I’m pretty independent and stubborn. I like to push my limits to see how far I can go. Id rather try to move a couch by myself just to see if I can do it rather than have some lovely strapping young men help me. Not to diminish who they are and the role men play in the lives of women, but simply to see if I can do it. That’s all about to change. I am going to have to learn how to let people in to help me. I’m going to be weak. I am going to be in more physical pain for a while than I have ever known.

In the words of people who have had this surgery before “The first year is going to suck. I cant sugar coat it for you, but after that first year it will be the best decision you will ever make.”

Through this whole process I have felt peace. Most fears and worries that pop into my head I can quickly discern as lies whispered by the enemy. There is little room for dwelling on such things. Things have clicked into place with little mishap. I feel numb to the anxiety and fear I know is easily trying to consume me. Its as if it can't touch me. 

I’m trying to imagine a life with out my curvy spine. Its been a huge part of me and effected a lot of areas of my life, some for positive reasons and some for negative reasons. I feel it every day now whether its pain, discomfort, or simply just feeling crooked. I’m trying to imagine grabbing whatever dress or shirt I wanted off the rack and knowing that when I try it on I wont have to worry about it showing off the wrong curve. After this first year hopefully I won't feel uncomfortable standing in line at the grocery store or when I am trying my hardest to run straight on a treadmill (its a struggle guys). Maybe ill actually be able to run full 5ks with out pain or discomfort. 

Gods hand through this whole process has been very comforting as it seems that everything has just fallen into place. Prayers and encouragement mean so much. So many people have been willing to donate blood or have offered to come sit with me during recovery.

School this semester seems a little scary. Im wondering if Im going to be able to get to class or make It through my 9 hours of classroom time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Im wondering how I am going to handle watching my friends go hiking, swing dancing, or really just walk around campus free while I have to take a nap or lay down or just sit there. I am going to have to learn to say no. Seems like silly fears with a God so big. Hes gona take care of it.

Im finding most people do not know much about this surgery and how major it is. Nor do they know about the extensive recovery period full of limitations. But hey im glad they don’t have to go through it.

I am really excited about this year in another sense. I feel like God has a lot of really sweet things planned out for me and a lot of sweet things planned out for others. This summer has been really rejuvenating as I have "caught up on sleep" and had a nice break from the stresses of college. Its nice to be home with people who know me well. Although I do miss winthrop terribly. Maybe for the first time in my life I wont be over busy at school this year. That would be a miracle.

As I enter into this new season of life both physically and spiritually I enter into peace. God is for me. 

Life has a lot of awesome things in store for this year and I couldn’t be more excited to be on this journey. With pain there is growth and with growth comes wisdom. Bring it on life.

[I am working on trying to figure out how to blog my spinal fusion story to help those who go through similar situations. Stay tuned for that one.]

I am bent, not Broken

 For the past 5 years I have lived with scoliosis.

                        I have grown to learn that for those who don't live with scoliosis can not really relate or sympathize with you. Which at times can be extremely frustrating. I've spend most of my high school life insecure and trying to hide the fact that my spine is curvy.

                             One thing I love about Scoliosis is each curve is unique and is handled differently. My Curve is currently at 47.3 degrees. Don't ask me how they measure it computers do the math and I just trust they know what they are doing. Technically my curve can be considered severe seeing how it is nearing the 50 degree mark. My curve is also located in the Thoracic part of my spine with a little baby curve in my Lumbar, but not enough to show concern. Hey im just a curvy gal right? 

                    Having Scoliosis sucks because there is pain involved. Constant pressure on your back and some days your left feeling sore for no reason down your spine. Not to mention every physical activity you do you are reminded of the fact that your spine is curved. Sometimes you are physically limited too. There aren't many treatments for scoliosis other than a brace and surgery. Neither of which is a pleasant option.

Currently surgery is not an option for me. The risk of a spine fusion out ways the current symptoms I have and a brace will no longer serve a useful purpose other than social embarrassment because I am no longer growing. So all I can do is just live with it and find a way to accept it. Which isn't always easy. Nobody likes to look in the mirror and see something abnormal. It is human nature to reject our flaws and want to cover them up.

                          Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like with out scoliosis or how I'd look at myself and how that would have effected my friendships. I wonder where that would have taken me in dance and soccer... If it even effected that. But then I take a step back and realize who I am and I can't imagine my life with out it. It is a apart of me. A part that I am learning to embrace and accept. Scoliosis has actually helped me with modesty and helped me to relate to others. It has created a desire In me to help others feel good about themselves. A desire I put to use through my photography. It has shown me how awesome my friends are and given me the urge to fight it and be stronger than it.

                   I am stronger than scoliosis and I am blessed to be able to do as much as I can with it. as for my future with it? I see myself running a 5k and continuing to prove that nothing can hold me back. Can surgery be in the future? Yes. But I can deal with that when the time arises.