" I miss being able to bend my back. The thrill of surgery isn't new anymore. I have been pain free for about a month nowI wrestled back and forth with whether I wanted to share these. I feel like my spinal fusion story has been one painted with a positive light... and by Jesus only. But, after thinking about it I don't think this journal entry paints it any less positive, in fact I think this journal points it more to Christ because it shows my heart, my struggle, and the very place where God has been intersecting my heart to pour out his grace and crushing love.
My back still tingles and still feels so foreign sometimes. Its a daunting task building my strength back up. I wonder if the idea of falling will ever be less terrifying to me.
I wonder if Ill get to a place where hearing someone talk about zumba, yoga, or dancing doesn't leave my heart feeling slightly discourage at my limitations and inability to participate in activities like that anymore.
I miss the feeling you get when you lay down and every bit of tension in your body leaves as you relax, as your spine conforms to the surface you lay on.
I miss the sweet relief of feeling your spine crack after a long day.
I miss slouching.
I miss bending to touch my toes... to pick something up... to tie my shoe...to bend.
I often feel like I am in a princess movie, learning "good posture" strapped to a chair 24/7, but I can't get up.
I miss feeling strong (physically).
I miss lifting things and it not feeling incredibly weird as my muscles tighten while my spine is stiff and still. I wonder if lifting things will ever feel normal again.
I miss tensing my abs to sit up in the morning or get off the floor, or not having to worry about where I chose to lean and lay because the idea of "getting up" doesn't take that much effort.
I miss running and dancing."
It shows where my human struggle meets a divine purpose and the crux of where God is shaping my heart to a perspective more focused on him and his plan.
It is honest.
I'd be lying to every single person I shared this story with if I didn't talk about the hard stuff, the mundane stuff, and the stuff that is forever different, the stuff that no thought is given to the outside but can scream internally should it be given a place to do so.
As these very real thoughts of fear and discouragement come my way there are 10 thoughts toward my savior who sustained me and carried me through it all. As discouragement comes my way there are quiet screams to the one stronger than me and gentle responses of love and understanding. I've been stripped a layer of independence, replaced with a dependance that only comes through overcoming with someone... My someone is Jesus. He has painted the picture of the cross in so many ways on my heart.
There is so much hope, confidence, and coming strength my friends. Though the battle isn't over yet there is an end in sight. There are lessons learned, moments captured, beauty revealed, and a heart that is continually being changed. There is so much joy at how much better life is scoliosis free, despite the thoughts above.
I am 8 months post op and am awe at the road behind me. I have completed 3/4 of my recovery timeline. Life is mostly back to my new normal. Just building up strength one day at a time and waiting for the day I get cleared to run again.
If you haven't been following my story, you can find more links below.
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