It's been a while since I posted to this little space on the internet I made 5 years ago.
I have so many thoughts swirling around in my heart and head. My senior year of college is almost over. I walk the stage to graduate in less than 14 days.
Im at one of my favorite coffee shops in town, Amelie's. It's been raining the last few days and I think thats been so appropriate for my personal Winthrop experience. It's always rained on the important days of my college career. Nice soft even light is pouring in from the window. It's my favorite light - soft, even, white, and pure. For some reason, it reminds me of joy and peace. It's the calm after the storm.
I've been spending a lot of time reflecting these days. Below is part of the testimony the Lord brought me through of my time here at Winthrop. I don't think even these words are even close to expressing the capacity of my thoughts and emotions about this time. In some ways the Lord cracked open my soul in deep ways to expose a lot of dirt that needed to be dealt with. Like a person recovering from surgery, I still feel the rawness of that hard season of wrestling he brought me through, but life on the other side of the vally is so so good. I just want more - more of him, more of his goodness, more knowledge, and more peace.
The last 4 years have been this beautifully messy balance of good and hard. I feel exposed, known, and oh so loved after it. This campus and this city have become my home. I am better because of it.
There is so much uncertainty going forward. I have days where my list of questions seem longer than the answers. It's hard not to compare at this stage. Everyone's life looks so different now. I feel steady though. Good things are in the works. My heart knows this.
2017, so far you have been the most beautiful blessing of redemption, joy, and excitement. I can't wait to see what else you hold for my future.
I found RUF my very first week of campus when I was kidnapped by a senior RUFFer and taken to the campus ministers house for lunch. By kidnapped I mean she literally said “get in my car your going to Chris’s house.” with no other questions or explanations. My first large group I was met by 5-6 seniors screaming at the top of their lungs and running around Kinard. I had been to large group for less than 10 minutes when I turned to my friend and said “ I think this is the place for me.” There were so many people there opened about their brokenness and excited for Jesus - I loved that. What I didn’t know about RUF back then, was just how much God would use it to teach me about brokenness, wrestling, and rest.
I walked onto campus 4 years ago, 18 years old with a pocket full of dreams and expectations. I was met with a lot of "life". You know, the un-glamorous stuff, the hard stuff, failing relationships, emotional unrest, unexpected halts in your own plans, etc. My college experience has been full of growing pains, the kind that keep you up for a restless night. Restless - that's a good word for it. I never saw it coming. I spent most of my 4 years here just trying to survive. It's hard to be in a place you love, but be so clouded by hurt and fear that you struggle to find joy and purpose in it. I was that girl in college. A girl who lacked a deep sense of purpose in her place, but felt like so much more was demanded from her.
When I imagined what college would be like, I imagined many dinners with friends, a cute house full of girls doing life together. I imagined deep friendships and continuing on this path I was so sure God put me on. College was supposed to be the best 4 years. In my mind that equalled happy carefree years.
Instead, I ate many dinners alone between classes. I would escape to my photo studio to cry between classes because life felt too overwhelming and I didn’t have the answers for it. My major demanded so much more than I was prepared for. I questioned if the people here truly knew me. But, I did find a church I absolutely love and that feels like home… my last semester of college.
I spent 2 years of college recovering from major back surgery that I was not planning on having the summer after my freshman year. That changed the rest of my time here and my life. A solid year of my college career was spent depressed and filled with anxiety. I didn't recognize who I had become and that scared me. I wasn't supposed to be the depressed girl because "I knew better" than that. The worst part of it all was I didn't understand it and so my friends and family struggled to understand it too. During that time a lot of steady relationships I had suddenly started changing and I found myself feeling lonely and hurt in some of the deepest places of my soul. I came to know the sinful side of me really well - jealous, unforgiving, angry, frustrated, selfish, desperate... you name it, I felt it. I thought it.
It didn't help that I suddenly for the first time in my life had very serious questions about God and who he was. With everything going on around me and in me, I was struggling to discern truth from lies. In my anxiety and depression he became distorted to me. I was struggling to apply his truths to my heart and I was unsure of what he was doing. I now know the Lord used this season to start changing my heart in new ways. But, the new me was messy, un-put together, and a lot more emotional than I cared for. And, I was desperate for him to breath new life back into me. But in his good and perfect plan, he made me wait, so I questioned if he even cared or if he was even good.
RUF was the place I went to wrestle and I have learned valuable life lessons from it. Mark gave me the freedom to be who I was - A HOT MESS. He met me where I was and continued to speak truth over the lies I was believing. If you’ve got an issue Mark probably has a theological article for that. Over the last 4 years the Lord has been teaching me through RUF how to wrestle with my emotions, challenge his word, how to question well, and what grace looks like. I was converted from a hymn hater to a hymn lover. Finding a sense of community felt like a big struggle in college, but RUF brought me relationships I've come to cherish overtime. Even when I felt out of place I knew I had large group to go to and there would be familiar faces. I stuck with RUF and this year have found a deep sense of community and purpose in this campus ministry. Most Wednesday nights I have gone to bed with a full heart because of the ways the people here have impacted me.
This year has felt really redeeming. I stuck with RUF and found a friend group I feel at home with. I stuck with RUF and found a place on the worship team. I stuck with RUF and found the place the Lord would teach my discontent heart. The Lord used RUF to teach me about brokenness, grace, seasons, and wrestling, in the most tender and subtle ways.
Maybe you are like me. Maybe you struggle with anxiety. Maybe you have more questions than answers. Maybe your expectations for college aren't being met. Maybe you are lonely, hurt, frustrated, discontent. Please know you aren’t in this alone. Many have walked this path before you. Reach out, show up, keep trying, keep praying, and wrestle well with who you are and who God is. My God works in his timing and sometimes in ways we can not see when we are standing at the bottom of the Mountain. If you need proof or friend, come find me and let’s get coffee.
Now it's my time to leave. :( So I take more pictures, I hug a little harder, and I'm trying to remember every little thing because I know I'll never get this time back. Here are some of my favorite pictures with my friends.
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