Following Jesus Down.

This weekend I attended Fall conference with RUF Winthrop.

We took a look at Mark in the bible.

The disciples went on journey after journey following Jesus. Each journey led them farther away from their own plan (or maybe the plan they thought Jesus had for them) and closer to ... well the gospel. (AKA why these stories are written for our studying and use.)

We started in Mark 5 right after Jesus calmed a storm out at sea. 

The disciples faces trial after trial with Jesus. In this passage they had just stepped off the boat to land after surviving a violent storm (which was calmed by the word of a man traveling with them CRAZY). They had no time to taken in the land they docked on when they were faced with an unclean man with a demon in his spirit.

I bet if I were them I would have said something like " Are you serious Jesus? Like I almost just died in this storm can I not have a minute to collect myself before this next lesson, season, event, etc.?"

How do I know that? Because I am saying the same thing right now.

I wonder if they ever questioned Why am I following this man? What is he doing? Did I make the right decision? Etc. I wonder if they wondered if/when it would get easier.

Because I wonder that now.

I am asking a lot of Why and What ifs right now.

In my questions and wrestling I have found myself telling God "This isn't what I signed up for" I keep telling him I am 20 and 20 year olds aren't supposed to be burdened with this much stuff. Its not fair... Ive been telling him I want to follow him but I want to follow him on my timing and my terms, because my timing and my terms look pretty good to me. (I actually laughed out loud saying this to myself)

I am deeply burdened (or should I say passionate) about knowing the Lord.

I've been angry at this challenge.

I am wrestling to deny myself and pick up his cross. Could I actually follow him even if he choses to take my plans away for something new? Could I follow him if he choses to keep me in this season of questions?

What would it look like for me to stop following the world and my 5 year plan and turn to look at God and his plan for today?

CONTENTMENT.

This word actually terrifies me right now. It terrifies me because I know when this word becomes a true part of my life then my heart will be opened to what ever God may have planned. While scripture tells us we don't have to fear God and that his ways work for the good of those who love him, my human heart full of Beckys plans is holding on tight.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matthew 6:33

I've become so bad at comparing myself and my walk with other peoples walks and life... people who I respect. But now the Lord is asking me to examine myself. What would it look like for ME to seek FIRST the kingdom of God? 

So many questions and emotions to wrestle with.

Im starting with unpacking this weekend and soaking in the truth that was poured over me at Fall Conference. 

Im not really sure of the journey that lies ahead of me but I'm starting to feel the familiar twinge that it will be good because goodness is at the core of the God I love, serve, and want to follow.