"A place of refining, not a place of brokenness."

I love this quote. I love everything that it means. 

It is so easy to feel broken in this world.

I've had my fair share of brokenness in the last 365+ days.

In fact i'd be willing to bet if we sat down to have coffee and I shared the last 4-5 months of my life with you, you would be surprised.

I've struggled with Anxiety and Depression this summer. 

I've felt broken and like this battle is a match I was not ready for. EVERY trial, insecurity, fear, season, etc. I have faced I have used scripture to get through. But, this battle distorts scripture. This battle distorts who God is to me. And it has been rough.

There have been days I don't recognize myself. 

I have been lonely and exhausted, torn between needing to be surrounded by friends and wanting to stay home alone.

I have struggled to admit my struggles to myself because "I am not supposed to be the girl that struggles with this".

I have neglected to process this past year and everything I have been through emotionally. It weighs heavy on me now.

I failed to recognize the warning signs that brought me to this place.

This season is good for me. I don't want to say that. If you would have told me 5 months ago I'd be sitting where I am now I would have said "Nope. Not for me Jesus. Lets try something else". But this season is producing fruit and stretching my knowledge to better help me cope with life and encourage others. Although, I am not quite at a place yet where I can say that confidently.

There will be changes this year.

This quote (spoken to me by my counselor) sparked something in me. It sparked long awaited hope. Hope that I have been trying to do the responsible thing and everything that I know to do to help me push through this. Hope that I am not failing as a human being. Hope that I am not broken. I am refining. I am refining my discernment of the voice of God. I am refining my understanding of the Gospel. I am refining my schedule, obligations, and expectations for this school year. I am refining what is healthy for ME and not what everyone else needs me to do.

T R U E   R E S T.

This was the theme I latched on to at the beginning of this summer for the upcoming school year. I couldn't think of a better concept to improve upon.

What does true rest look like for me? What is God really asking of me in this time of my life? How can I cultivate deeper relationships and community in my life? What makes me, Becky, thrive in truth and joy?

This post is not a post of lessons I am learning this summer. This isn't me wrapping my struggle up in a pretty bow, smiling through it, and moving on to the next step. It isn't me trying to find someone in the same situation to pour into as the Lord speaks to me. This post is real and honest. This post is my struggle. This is me admitting that I don't have it together. That I can't continue the patterns I once knew for my life. This post is me admitting that I have faced real change since I left for college and I am having to find myself and the Lord in this change.

This post is me admitting I can't do things alone. I can't be the strong girl with it together all the time. 

...but God can be the strong one in me.